Well, well, well, ” Santa said once the elf had retreated. “Come and sit on my lap, little boy.” This Santa’s beard was real, and so was his hair. He wasn’t fucking around.“ I’m not really a little boy, ” I pointed out.“ Get on my lap, then, big boy.” I walked up to him. There wasn’t much lap under his belly. And even though he tried to disguise it, as I went up there, I swear he adjustedhis crotch.“ Ho ho ho! ” he chortled. I sat gingerly on his knee, like it was a subway seat with gum on it.“ Have you been a good little boy this year?” he asked. I didn’t feel that I was the right person to determine my own goodness or badness, but in the interest of speeding along this encounter, I said yes. He actually wobbled with joy.“ Good! Good! Then what can I bring you this Christmas?”I thought it was obvious.“ A message from Lily, ” I said. “That’s what I want for Christmas. But I want it right now.”“ So impatient! ” Santa lowered his voice and whispered in my ear. “But Santa does have a little something for you”–he shifted a little inhis seat–“right under his coat. If you want to have your present, you’ll have to rub Santa’s belly.”“ What?” I asked. He gestured with his eyes down to his stomach. “Go ahead.” I looked closely and saw the faint outline of an envelope beneath his red velvet coat.“ You know you want it, ” he whispered. The only way I could survive this was to think of it as the dare it was. Fuck off, Lily. You can’t intimidate me. I reached right under Santa’s coat. To my horror, I found he wasn’t wearing anything underneath. It was hot, sweaty, Geshy, hairy … andhis belly was this massive obstacle, blocking me from the envelope. I had to lean over to angle my arm in order to reach it, the whole timehaving Santa laugh, “Oh ho ho, ho ho oh ho! ” in my ear. I heard the elf scream, “What the hell! ” and various parents start to shriek. Yes, I was feeling up Santa. And now the corner of the envelope was in my hand. He tried to jiggle it away from me, but I held tight and yanked itout, pulling some of his white belly hair with me. “OW ho ho! ” he cried. I jumped o1 his lap. “Security’s here! ” the elf proclaimed. The letter was in my hand, damp but intact.“ He touched Santa! ” a young child squealed. Rachel Cohn
Some Similar Quotes
  1. Failed relationships can be described as so much wasted make-up. - Marian Keyes
  2. Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good. - Woody Allen
  3. Aside from the obvious, Francesca, what do you want in return for supplying information?” Bones asked, getting back to the subject. “You to take me, ” she replied at once. “Not gonna happen! ” I spat, squeezing him possessively. Three sets of widened eyes fixed... - Jeaniene Frost
  4. I love being in love, but I also love other things, like not being jealous, overly sensitive, or needy.
 - Unknown
  5. Two seconds later, the sound of an alarm filled my ears. ''What did you do?'' I said over the noise as he backed up towards the bathroom door. ''The girl who gave you the note?'''' Yes..'''' I caught her staring at my lighter.'' I blinked.... - Michelle Hodkin
More Quotes By Rachel Cohn
  1. It's bullshit to think of friendship and romance as being different. They're not. They're just variations of the same love. Variations of the same desire to be close.
  2. We are the ones who take this thing called music and line it up with this thing called time. We are the ticking, we are the pulsing, we are underneath every part of this moment. And by making the moment our own, we are rendering...
  3. You think fairy tales are only for girls? Here’s a hint–ask yourself who wrote them. I assure you, it wasn’t just the women. It’s the great male fantasy–all it takes is one dance to know that she’s the one. All it takes is the sound...
  4. Well sure, who doesn't need a boyfriend? but realistically, those exotic creatures are hard to come by. At least a quality one.
  5. Drosophila, ” I said, remembering the word.“ What?” Lily asked.“ Why do girls always fall for guys with the at ention span of drosophila?”“ What?”“ Fruit flies. Guys with the attention span of fruit flies.”“ Because they’re hot?”“ This, ” I told her, “is not...
Related Topics